328: How to Live Fearlessly and Work Through Roadblocks With 朗达 Britten

孩子：欢迎来到我的妈妈’s podcast.

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凯蒂：您好，欢迎来到起点生活播客。一世’m Katie from 起点生活.com, and I think you’今天真的很享受’我们深入研究健康的精神和情感方面的客人。一世’在这里，艾美奖得主Rhonda Britten曾是Oprah的来宾，并在她所说的计划中与成千上万的人一起工作“Fearless Living.”她有我最神奇的故事之一’我已经听说过，无论是她自己的个人转变，还是她一生经历的事情，现在都听到了她为我帮助成千上万的人所做的事情。在这一集中，我们深入探讨了如何在个人生活中克服恐惧，以及何时克服恐惧 ’对于许多人来说，它就像现在这样广泛而又社会化。她提供了非常实用的技巧和起点，帮助您改变内心的声音和内心的恐惧，并利用它们在生活中发挥优势，而不是与之抗争。因此，事不宜迟，让’s learn from 朗达.

朗达, welcome. Thanks for being here.

朗达: I am so excited to be here talking about my very favorite subject, fear.

Katie: 好, I think it’现在是一个非常及时的主题。那里’现在仍然存在很多不确定性，我认为不可能’可能是一个更相关的时间来谈论这个，也许我’m excited to hear from you and to get tips from you and I hope 那 it will help many people listening as well. But as background, I would love to hear a little bit of your story and how you became this voice of fearless living and helping so many thousands of people.

朗达：谢谢。好吧，那不是’t…我认为我们大多数人现在都致力于支持人们，帮助人们，指导人们，帮助他们走出自己的生活’没错，对，我特别无所畏惧的生活/恐惧是因为我一生中都生活在恐惧中，但是我没有’t know it. And I think 那’真正的关键是凯蒂。我想大多数人都不会’不要四处说“I’m afraid,” or “I’m scared.”也许现在他们 ’实际上比平常更认可它。但是我们大多数人都不’不要四处说“I’m afraid,” or “I’m scared.” And I didn’t either.

而且，我确实做了很多不同的事情，比如读书，参加讲习班，做了很多事情来改变我的生活，但是他们确实做了很多’t get me over the feeling 那 there’我有点问题。而且，您知道，您问的问题是，这一切实际上是如何开始的？好吧，你知道，如果我真的回过头来看，那是我14岁的时候。而且，我当时最喜欢的书是”我为什么不敢告诉你我是谁，” which I find completely ironic 那 now I teach people how to 不 be afraid to be who they are, right?

但这是在父亲身上’的一天。我父母最近正在分居，我知道，我父亲要来带我们去吃早午餐，在那里，’三个孩子，两个成年人，五个人。我们没有 ’从来没有真正去过晚餐，午餐或早午餐。所以这是一个很大的特殊事件。我父亲进来了“Come on, come on.”我的姐妹们正在浴室里奋斗。我有两个姐妹。我们住在大约850平方英尺的房子里。我妈妈和我开始和爸爸出去走走，我的姐妹们还在洗手间为之奋斗，爸爸看着我说，”I’我得从车上把我的外套拿下来。”于是他打开行李箱拿起外套。但是他没有拿着外套，而是拿着枪，开始对我母亲尖叫，”你让我这样做。你让我这样做。”我开始尖叫，”爸你在做什么你在做什么？”他开枪打我妈妈，我被冻死了，对吗？我不’t know what to do. I’米冻结。而我父亲则把枪对准了我。我绝对相信我’米下。我父亲看着我。我看着他，就像我们’就像从字面上看一样，你知道，他眨眼，我眨眼，然后我’m just waiting. I’我只是在等待子弹。

而在我母亲’s literal last breath, she sees 那 gun in my face and screams, ”No, stop.”我父亲意识到我母亲’s still alive, takes 那 bullet intended for me and shoots my mother a second time. And 那 second bullet goes through my mother’腹部，伸出她的背部，落在汽车喇叭中。在接下来的20分钟里，我只听到了BEEEEP。然后我父亲再次竖起了枪，他跌到膝盖，将枪放在头上开火。

因此，在两分钟内，我是目睹父亲杀害母亲并在我面前自杀的唯一见证。而我不’我不知道其他人会如何回应，但是基本上，我的回应是…I mean, I didn’t do anything to stop my father from killing my mother. 你知道我 blamed myself. I didn’t grab the gun. I did 不hing heroic. I didn’踢他的膝盖。我没有’不要跳到我母亲的面前。我没有超级英雄的东西。我只是站在那儿冰冻的说，“Stop, stop,” right? And in 那 moment, I basically split in two, Katie. You know, half of me was, you know, “I’m fine, I’m fine. I’我是直学生。一世’我仍然会是直学生’我会假装这一切都没有’t happen.”然后我的另一部分感到非常内和羞愧。

而且，当您目睹父亲谋杀母亲时，您不会’t get to be happy ever again. Like I just really resigned myself 那 I don’t ever get to be happy. And so for the next 20 years, I tried to kill myself three times. I became an alcoholic. I got three DUIs. And you know, it was 那 third suicide attempt 那 I realized I’m 不 very good at killing myself and I’ve gotta figure out another way. And I remember going back to my little tiny studio apartment after 那 third suicide attempt, realizing, “Well, if I’m 不 gonna die, I better figure out how to live.”

And, you know, during those 20 years of alcoholism and nightmares and, you know, etc., etc., and suicide attempts, I did read books and I did go to workshops and I did go to therapy. I did everything one would think they should do. But like I shared earlier, there was this overwhelming feeling 那 there was still something really fundamentally wrong with me.

And so when I went to 那 little studio apartment after my third suicide attempt, I remember saying to myself, “Like, if I’m 不 dying, I’我必须弄清楚如何生活，我’我得弄清楚这一点。” 所以我 started making up exercises for myself. And I just wanna say this, Katie, I was 不 proud of myself for doing this. I thought I was so screwed up 那 I had to make stuff up for myself. 所以我 was really ashamed 那 I had to do this. And the good news, though, those exercises started to work for me, started to shift my 分 dset, started to shift the way I saw the world, started to heal me, started to move me into the direction of what’s now called 无所畏惧的生活。

所以我今天教的只是扩展，当然是扩展，因为现在’ve been doing it for 25 years, of what I started 那 moment when had to decide, you know, “Rhonda, you can’不要这样下去。您必须做出决定，并且必须决定生活。您必须决定蓬勃发展。您必须决定成为自己天生的人。” And 那 was the, you know, the germination, the first seed 那 started like…再次，您花了很多年的时间才向公众提供此功能，甚至认为我可以做到。我的意思是，我当时…我花了很多年…you know, from the moment I started creating the exercises to actually thinking 那 they could help anyone but me.

But 那 was the moment, you know. I really do think 那… I do really do think 那 somehow this is, you know, a life’s, you know, commitment by me and my parents to move the world to see fear differently through our experience and then through my being alive and trying to figure it out for myself and me admitting 那 I’m afraid. Because again, for most of my life, even after 那 happened, I never admitted I was afraid. So when I started understanding how fear worked, everything changed for me, Katie. Everything changed. And 那 was the beginning of a new life, a beginning of being able to be happy, a beginning of, you know, peace of 分 d, a beginning of, you know, self-esteem and self-worth and self-confidence and self-acceptance and everything 那 I’d一直向往。

凯蒂：哇。我知道我每次听到你的故事都会给我起鸡皮and’听到你如此难以置信’克服了您所面临的问题，远远超出了许多人的想象’ll ever have to face. And I think 那’一方面如此鼓舞人心。然后我想你可能会得到另一个反应，我’我很好奇，如果你愿意，那是谁’t had to go through something as difficult as 那 saying, you know, “I’m 不 walking around with 那 level of having gone through something or 那 level of fear. So do I really need to actually address this? Like do I need fearless living if I haven’t had to face something 那 horrific?”

朗达: Yeah, I think 那’这是一个很好的问题，凯蒂。而且，我的座右铭是，“恐惧是恐惧，是恐惧，”每个活着的人都会担心自己是否知道。他们这样做是因为’是我们神经生物学的一部分。所以，不管’你知道，害怕拒绝，害怕失败。因为，你知道，我们’re talking about when my father took 那 gun out, you know, 那’叫做对生存的恐惧，对生存的恐惧。就像，你知道，我’我会死的，对吗？所以，我们大多数人不’了解身体上的恐惧与情绪上的恐惧之间的区别。我们真的不’对我们大多数人的情感恐惧给予信任。但是肉体上的恐惧，你知道，被枪击，或者你知道，强奸或恐怖的事情，你知道，在大多数时候，对于大多数人来说，敲木头，他们不会’t have to experience 那 on a daily basis.

Their physical fear is 不 what they’重新体验。但是他们大多数日子都在经历着一种情感上的恐惧。喜欢，“我会自己创业吗？” 好, 那 decision probably is being decided by fear more than we’d比我们更愿意承认’重新意识到，因为这听起来像是理性，实用，“Well, no. It’s 不 a good time to do 那,” you know, or whether we move or whether we fall in love or whether we leave or any of the decisions 那 we have to make most of the time, unless we’真的很干净，很清楚并且了解恐惧是如何产生的，恐惧又在理论或实践的幌子下为我们做出了太多决定。“It’最好的办法” or again, “这是我妈妈告诉我最好的事情，” etc., etc.

所以，you know, I pray 那 nobody has to experience what I do and I pray 那 nobody has to experience horrific circumstances. But what I do know from the people 那 I’我曾经与之合作过’部长，无论是’不管是全职妈妈’s a CEO, doesn’不管每个人都有’re awake to it or 不, fear because again, it’是我们神经生物学的一部分。它’这是我们大脑运作方式的一部分。它’是我们身体运作方式的一部分。因此，除非您理解它，否则大多数人都会对它感到困惑，他们实际上相信恐惧的信号，而不是相信自己的真实本性，那就是走自己的路。

Katie: Wow. Yeah. I think 那’s such a beautiful description. And I know another objection you probably hear relatively often and certainly 那 I held on to and hid behind for a lot of number of years is the idea 那 some fear is good and 那, you know, fear can keep us safe. I even hear people teach their kids 那 of like, you know, “You wanna be afraid of strangers and snakes and whatever it may be because 那 keeps you safe.” 所以我’我很好奇，您对那些试图争辩的人说什么，您知道，我们为什么要摆脱恐惧，’我们要坚持下去吗？

朗达：首先，您可以’t get rid of fear. So 那’s impossible. It’是我们神经生物学的一部分。所以那里’没有摆脱恐惧。但是存在超越的恐惧。有友善的恐惧。掌握恐惧。但是那里’没有摆脱它。因此，如果有人对您说，“噢，摆脱对美好事物的恐惧，” it’s like they’d have to give you a lobotomy, right? Like 那’s 不 possible, right? So it is about working through your fear. Now, when you hear parents and, you know, “看着你过马路，” and, you know, “Don’t eat 那, 那’对你真的很不好” or “You have an allergy,” or you know any of those things, 那’实际上是对身体生存的恐惧。

如果我’我在电梯里，我’m feeling freaked out or get an intuitive hit 那 I should get out, yeah, get out. Right? And yeah, do I wanna go bungee jumping? Not so much, right? So there’身体上的恐惧之间有很大的不同，你知道，我们父母通常告诉我们的是吗？就像，您知道，要小心交通。小心吧？他们想让我们安全。他们想让我们活着。但是问题出在哪里是因为大脑没有’t know the difference between an emotional fear and a physical fear, those same fears are kind of handed down emotionally as well. So 那 fear of walking across the street turns into fear of taking risks, a fear of falling in love, a fear of connecting, a fear of telling the truth, a fear of sharing a secret, a fear of being intimate, a fear of starting my own business, a fear of moving, right?

所以那些身体上的恐惧’再次出于父母的教again’心和我们的社区’的心脏，当然我们要保持人身安全。但同样，它所做的实际上是转化为情感上的恐惧。因此，那些情感上的恐惧，对拒绝的恐惧，对损失的恐惧，对亲密感的恐惧，对成功的恐惧，对失败的恐惧，对不足的恐惧，对愚蠢的恐惧，对懒惰的恐惧，害怕成为失败者，对吗？我可以继续下去。您知道，这些恐惧悄悄地，阴险地影响着我们的思维。同样，这全部来自我们的神经生物学和大脑。它’我不是在半夜里化妆的，不是，’不是科学依据。它’就像，不，不，不，不。这是我们的神经生物学，而我们的神经生物学大脑’我们不知道身体上的恐惧和情绪上的恐惧之间的区别。大脑不’不知道你组成的东西和什么之间的区别’是真实的。因此，您参加网络会议或参加聚会时，您会说，“These aren’t my people,”你敢打赌，你知道，你称之为直觉。但是您是因为恐惧的神经生物学才造出了它。

所以大脑不’不知道生理和情感之间的区别，’不知道真实与想象之间的区别。他们什么’re now discovering is 那 fear, many times, is handed down through our DNA. So some of the things 那 you are afraid of actually came from your great, great grandmother, right? And the other thing we know about fear is 那 there’不能摆脱它，对吗？那里 ’s no getting rid of it. So you wanna learn how to work with it. You wanna understand its purpose so 那 you no longer get stopped by it, so 那 you know how fear sounds versus freedom sounds. You know the difference between fear and love. You know the difference between, you know, fear of, you know, being, you know, your authentic self versus really living in the risk of being your authentic self.

Like, you know the difference so you can walk in a life 那 really suits you, 那 really is your life to live and 不 let fear decide for you because fear is subtle, insidious. It knows everything you know. It’s as smart as you are, educated as you are, spiritual as you are, as knowledgeable as you are. So it uses everything 那 you know against you. Get more spiritual, it gets more spiritual. So again, there’s a big difference between people thinking 那 fear is just a physical fear when really, the day-to-day living 那 we go through, our emotional fears are actually deciding too much of our life, 不 our physical fears.

凯蒂：那么如果可以的话’t get rid of fear, which makes total sense, you mentioned we have to learn to work with it or to make it good for us. So walk us through what are the first steps of 那? Because 那 seems like an overwhelming process.

隆达：是的，很好’s just easier than you think because, of course, 那’s what I’ve been doing for 25 years and I know 那 I needed an easy process, right? Like, I couldn’有什么复杂的东西吧？就像，我需要ABC。为了每天生活，我需要ABC。因此，我创建了一个叫做“恐惧之轮”和“自由之轮”的东西。恐惧之轮和自由之轮各有四个部分。但是我只想关注几个部分，以开始吸引人们上路。

因此，恐惧之轮有一个叫做恐惧反应的东西。好的。因此，例如，您知道，我们都知道我们认为我们的问题是什么，对吗？像我们大多数人一样，为我们的问题命名。你知道，拖延，完美主义，我会感到焦虑，不知所措。所以我们有点像“哦，我比较。我参加比赛。你知道，我感到内。我很担心” Like, we know. “我想请你知道。你知道，我付出了太多。一世’我只是奉献的人” So we all probably know some of the ways 那 fear actually is influencing us right now. And what we do, Katie, is we call them our problems, or we call them our character flaws, or we say 那 they’re our character defects, or we say 那’s what we’re bad about, or 那’是我们的问题，你知道，殴打自己等等，找借口，抱怨等等。

So the first thing 那 I want to give people relief from is those are just fear responses. So your procrastination, your perfectionism, you’re overwhelmed, you’re complaining, you’感到内gui，你’re worried, comparing, again, beating yourself up. 所有 of those things are the way 那 our neurobiology has created a, you know, kind of a way to keep ourselves safe, from an emotional standpoint. And the way 那 it’s tricked us is 那 we think those are our problems, right? We think procrastination is our problem. And in fact, procrastination is just a symptom, a fear response to a deeper fear.

因此，如果您真的可以开始看到类似的图像，“哦，你的意思是我的暴饮暴食是’t because I’m lazy?” No, it’s 不 because you’re lazy. No, it’s actually you’暴饮暴食，因为那里’s a fear driving 那 overeating. “Oh, you mean procrastination is 不 那 I’m lazy?” No, it’s 不. Procrastination isn’t because you’懒。同样，拖延症是对越来越深的恐惧的恐惧反应。

所以我们不会’如果我们没有抱怨’不要害怕。我们不会’如果我们不这样做会不知所措’不要害怕。我们不会’如果我们没有感到内’不要害怕。我们不会’t worry if we didn’t have a fear. So all the things 那 we think are our problems, you know, 3 things, 10 things, 20 things, are actually a symptom of one thing and 那 is what I call the core fear, 那 trigger 那 really ignites all of those fear responses. So one of the first things, Katie, people can do is actually write down all the ways they trip themselves up, all the ways they trick themselves, all the way the problems 那 they think they have. 所以，you know, spend some time and just go, “好的，是的，我拖延了。对。对。我不知所措。对。对。我很着急。是的我是完美主义者。是的我努力一世’一个控制狂。是的”并写下来。

Start owning 那, “Okay, these are the ways 那 I respond when I’m in fear.” And what I want everyone to hear right now is 那, you are 不 your wheel of fear. You are 不 your wheel of fear. You are 不 with your wheel fear. And all of those fear responses were honed and created, again, through our DNA, but also, you know, from our family, from our life experience, from, you know, who we hung out with. And the wheel of fear was formed by the time you were five. 所以，you know, you’re 不 stupid, lazy, ignorant, inadequate, etc, or worthless. You know, you’re just having a fear 那 you don’不知道该怎么办。那么你’ve创建了一种通过拖延，压倒，内，羞耻等来管理它的方法。

So the first thing to do, Katie, is just to start writing down some of the things 那 you do and start really 不icing and knowing 那 these are 不 character flaws, there’s 不hing wrong with you. 如果我 could say one thing to everybody, it’s like there’s 不hing wrong with you. There’s 不hing wrong with you. There’s 不hing wrong with you. It’s just fear. 所以我 think 那’s one of the easiest things to start doing is just starting to 不ice them. And then, of course, you know, I work with clients and, of course, in my book and workshops, etc., I help people identify 那 core fear 那 they have 那 really drives all these behaviors.

当人们了解他们的核心恐惧是什么时，他们经历的第一件事就是因为您的核心恐惧可能不是对失败的恐惧。它’可能不害怕成功，可能不害怕拒绝。这些真的很可能是恐惧的反应。但是，当您识别出核心恐惧时，我一次又一次地听到人们的声音是有意义的。我明白我为什么’ve done everything I’做完了，就可以放心了，因为现在您知道了，’s 不 you. You’不是一个坏人。您’不是一个愚蠢的人。您’不是一个懒惰的人。您’re 不 an…you know, there’你没问题。它’实际上是您五岁时产生的个性化恐惧。所以我们’只是在30、40、50岁时表演’在某种程度上起作用了。它’在某种程度上使我们安全。因此，您知道，恐惧只想做一件事和一件事，它只是想让我们保持安全。和我们’我买了，因为我们不’不知道有什么区别吧？

So again, the first thing 那 I would invite people to do is just start recognizing the things 那 they do and start labeling them different. Instead of, “这些是我的问题” go, “这些是我的恐惧反应。这就是我回应时的方式’m afraid. These are 不 character flaws. I’m 不 bad because I do these things. These are just things 那 I do automatically because 那’s how I’我们已经受过训练以应对恐惧。但是有另一种方式。”

Katie: That makes so much sense. And I experienced 那 myself over the last couple of years working through some past experiences. And there was this kind of profound moment of realizing 那 some of these things 那 I was so angry with myself over and 那 I wasn’t getting past, realizing they had protected me in a lot of ways at certain times and helped me even to become who I am now and 那 they were…and like basically moving from a point of, like, frustration with myself and fear about these things, to a place of gratitude 那 my 分 d and my body knew what to do to protect me and then being able to say, “But I don’不再需要您以这种方式保护我的安全。”

所以我’我很好奇下一步是什么？就像，一旦我们’re able to identify 那, I would guess there’s a tremendous amount of self-compassion 那 comes just from being able to realize this is 不 a deficiency. I’m 不, you know, 不 good because of this.” But what’s the next step of then making 那 our friend and moving forward?

隆达：嗯，在那里 ’s something called the Wheel of Fear like I mentioned, and then the Wheel of Freedom. And what I help people do is, again, like I said, identify their core fear, but more importantly, I help them identify their pathway out. You know, we hear a lot about mental models and filtering systems. And neuroscience says now 那 the only way to truly change your life on a core level is to change how you filter the world. Literally, change the glasses you wear. Literally, start seeing the world differently. And 那’恐惧之轮和自由之轮的作用。您从恐惧之轮过滤器移动到自由之轮过滤器。

Now, I do wanna give a caveat here, Katie, 那, you know, I know 那 people probably are walking around 80% fearless, right? Some people are 20% fearless, but there’在我们生活的某些方面’已经自然地这样做了。你知道，我们天生无所畏惧，但是那里’s other areas of life 那 fear does have its way with us. So we might be fearless in career, but fearful in relationships, and all of our anxiety comes up, all of our worry comes up. Or it might be different and opposite. Like, “哦，天哪，我的关系真棒。一世’我确实能够交流和亲密，但是’在我的职业生涯中，我全神贯注于金钱和价值，哦，你知道，赚钱了，哦，我该怎么办？”

And some of us are great in those areas and have difficult time with self-care and play and connection, right? 所以我’m 不 implying 那 everybody is afraid everywhere, but I want you to, first of all, to really name the area 那 you do have some fear and 那 you do doubt yourself, 那 you do put yourself down, 那 you do compare yourself to others. I think 那’s really important to start giving yourself credit for the things 那 you already have ”handled,” and areas 那 you’re like, “好吧，恐惧反应完全在演出中进行，” right?

所以我 help people find what’s called their essential nature of the place 那 they can anchor back into their true nature. 所以我 help people shift their filtering system from the Wheel of Fear to the Wheel of Freedom. Now, you brought up a word 那 is called gratitude. And I love 那 you brought 那 up, Katie, because I also wanna 不 only talk about gratitude for a 分 ute, but I wanna talk about something called acknowledgments. And these are two exercises 那 folks can do immediately 那 will start shifting their opinions of themselves and the opinions of the world. 所以，you know, Katie, you brought up gratitude and I always say people 那 have a difficult time with gratitude, blame the world.

因此，如果您在感激之情中度过了艰难的时光，而您却很难像这样说， “I’m grateful for,”那么你可能是在责怪世界。现在，在无所畏惧的生活世界中我得到了认可’ll explain how to do one, is if you have a difficult time acknowledging yourself, then you blame yourself, right? So 那’恐惧与你相伴的方式就是你要怪自己。因此，在无所畏惧的生活世界中，凯蒂感激不尽，“Today I’m grateful for…”你变得很具体。而且，你知道，所以你不’t write “Today, I’我感谢蓝天。” You write, “Today, I’我对雏菊在破损的人行道上突然冒出来的方式表示感谢，” right? Like you’确实很具体，因为当您对自己的感激之情和感激之情很具体时，就会产生内在的体验。

那么，什么是内脏体验？就是这个意思’活在你的体内，它实际上开始自动改变你对世界的看法。它改变了您的过滤系统。所以我们不’希望这是一种智力活动。我们希望这是内在的。以及如何获得内脏？具体一点，也不要说“not”。所以就像不用说“You know, I’m really…” or I’我会使用确认“I acknowledge myself for 不 complaining,”嗯我们要在致谢中谈论我们在做什么而不是在做什么’re 不 doing. 所以，“I acknowledged myself for 不 complaining,” uh-uh. That’s what you’re 不 doing. What are you doing instead of complaining? Oh, “我感谢自己在错过工作截止日期时给自己一个休息时间，”对？喜欢，承认自己。

所以，“Today, I’m grateful for…” write it out five times a day. Be as specific as you can be. No 不s, and acknowledgments are, “今天，我感谢自己，感谢自己的任何转变，任何意识，前进的方向，一切。” 所以我 wanna say a caveat here, Katie, 那 I don’t care how well somebody does something, right? I could give a crap about how well you do it and I could give a crap about if you finish it or 不. Acknowledgments are only about movement forward no matter how 分 ute, no matter how small, no matter how difficult it was. It doesn’不管这些。它’只是真的在承认自己。

And acknowledging 那 movement forward, actually, is the number one confidence builder, number one way to build your confidence overnight is just starting to acknowledge yourself. Because, Katie, what I’ve recognized is 那 most people acknowledged themselves for like one second and then they point out like, “Well, if I would’ve started sooner,” or “好吧，我本可以做得更好，” or “Well…”他们现在通过评估和判断如果只做A，B和C会怎么样，从而从字面上转移了前进的方向。

现在，它没有’t mean 那 you can’拥有洞察力并变得更好，但是您首先必须确认自己在哪里’ve来自。因此，感谢和感谢是至关重要的工具，可用于开始将您的恐惧反应转变为我们所说的自由之轮，开始使您从恐惧转向自由。您对世界的感激也是如此。感激之情不在你自己的范围内。他们’关于外面的世界，所有的感谢都是关于你，关于你如何’重新生活在这个世界上，以及你如何’重新前进。如果您今天进行五次感谢和五次致谢，我’m gonna tell you right now 那 within 24 hours, 36 hours, you’重新开始看到一个不同的世界，经历一个不同的世界。

所以我’m 不 gonna tell you what 不 to do. I’m 不 gonna say, “Quit complaining,” 那, for most of us, is difficult to do, right? Instead, we’再说说我们’要做而不是抱怨，我们’我们要做的不是击败自己，而是我们’再来代替。和我们’重新开始走向我们想要成为的人’s our true nature, where we wanna go, rather than focusing on what we should stop doing. So we wanna start shifting 那, you know, 那 viewpoint of self-help, personal development, spirituality, etc., from stopping to starting, to where do we wanna go versus, you know, don’t focus on what you want to stop, instead focus on replacing. Does 那 make sense?

Katie: It does. I think 那’s probably such a powerful and paradigm shift, you know, 那 we…and when you can make 那, 我可以 only imagine how 那 will spill over into every other area of life. And I’m guessing there’是这里的一个元素。这让我想起… I know patterns 我可以 say I’ve fallen into in the past and 那 I have seen in other people, which is when people tend to fall into patterns of complaining or making excuses, which you touched on. 所以我’m curious both if we can recognize in ourselves 那 那’s a thing 那 we do, how we can work through 那, or if 那’s something 那 those close to us do. Is there anything we can do both to help our own 分 dset or to help them in those instances?

隆达：好吧，抱怨，你知道，其中一件很棒的事情是，抱怨我们出于许多原因以及我的所作所为’d。爱的人要做的就是抱怨，把抱怨变成发泄。而且，您知道，我们大多数人都听过排气一词，但实际上，我们’实际上是在抱怨，我们’re 不 venting. So let me tell you the difference between complaining and venting. And then I’ll give you a little language for those people in your life 那 are big complainers and you no longer wanna participate, what do you say to them? Right? So complaining is, “I’m致力于使问题继续存在。” Like I’m complaining, I’m trying to get you to buy in 那 there’是一个问题，我想重点解决这个问题。

所以我 wanna keep talking about the problem. I wanna keep talking about my husband being this way or my boss being 那 way, or my coworker being this way, or my sister being this way. And I wanna complain about this and complain about 那. And I want you to buy in. I want you to buy in because 那’s how we feel, you know, 那 we’re right. That’是我们被爱的感觉，对吗？那 ’s how we feel understood. Which brings me to a side 不e, Katie, is 那 most people wanna be understood. And what I teach my clients, what I teach my students, is most of us want to be understood, but we don’t really…we’re 不 really looking for understanding. What we’真正寻找的是协议。

So one of the ways 那 complaining works for us, is we’我真的在寻找协议。我们’re 不 looking to be understood. We don’t want…because we think, “好吧，如果您真的了解我，您将同意我的看法。” But it’s like 那, you know, the fear wants us to get agreement so 那 we’很安全，因为如果我们不这样做’不同意，那么也许我’m 不 safe, right? So just FYI, you know, complaining is committed to the problem. So now what is venting? Venting is committed to the solution, i.e., “我现在很生气。一世’我现在真的很沮丧。一世’我真的感觉到，你知道，POed我’我真的很不高兴”

好, we wanna move 那 energy because we are basically energy beings. That’s what we are. That’s what, you know, neuroscience now tells us, 那 our whole being, our whole neurobiology and our whole biology is actually to keep our energy in place, to keep us having energy, right? And we have to monitor our energy. And making decisions takes energy. That’这就是为什么我们只是做出相同的决定，即使我们认为我们’重新制作不同的，但他们’重新有点一样。他们’仍然出于恐惧，因为它只是节省能源。

所以放空实际上是说“You know what? I’我现在有点不高兴，我需要通过我来传递这种能量。所以我’通过与我信任的人大声说出来，或者您知道在云层中大喊大叫，或者再次想让它在您中移动，我将以此来表达这种沮丧，愤怒或任何形式的不适感。但是我’m还致力于通过它并找到解决方案。” So venting is, “I know I’m awake to being upset. 我知道我 need to move it through me. 所以我’我会打电话给一个好朋友说“嘿，顺便问一下… I’我真的很不高兴你会听吗？唐’t，你知道的，给我建议。唐’告诉我该怎么办。唐’t tell me I’m right. You know, just listen because I need to move through this so 我可以 think clearly so 那 I now can come up with a solution.”

因此，我们大多数人都不会互相宣泄。我们’互相抱怨并得到…trying to get buy-in to validate our thoughts, to validate 那 life isn’t fair, to validate 那 we’re victims, 那 it’s 不 our fault, right? But instead, we wanna take 那 feeling and move it through us by honoring it, by saying it, writing it, speaking it, you know, going, you know, to the river and throwing things in it, whatever we wanna do to let it move through us. But knowing 那 we are committed to move through it so 那 we can be clear to make a different decision. We know this isn’t real. The fear isn’本身是真实的。愤怒是’真实的。即使感觉很真实，我们还是去吧，“I know I’我现在很生气，但我最终知道’我不致力于保持我的愤怒。一世’我致力于消除愤怒。”

And so then we allow 那 to move through. And then we can have a venting partner. Again, you can call up a friend, and then when you vent, it’就像你可以呼吸，“Okay, whew, I got 那. I got through 那. I might have to do it a few times, but I moved through it. And now 我可以 think clearly to make a different decision 那’s based on my values, based on my wheel of freedom, based on who I really want to be, based on the decisions 那 really support me, 那 really are who I really am at my core.” Instead of being angry and doing things 那 we’re 不 proud of after we do them, right? That we’re just so angry 那 we lash out, 那 we, you know, do things 那 were just like, “God, I wish I didn’t do 那 afterwards,” right?

So 那’s really important to take 那 complaining and turning it into venting. So we honor our feelings, we honor our feelings, but we act on our commitments. So we honor our feelings, but we act on our commitments. So 那’s the thing about complaining. Move it to venting. And also, of course, then we use gratitude after 那. So we go from complaining, move it into venting, and then move into gratitude.

Excuses are a little bit more difficult, Katie, than complaining because excuses feel really real, right? Like 我可以 use, “好吧，父亲以借口杀死了母亲，” right? Like, “Wow, 那’这就是为什么我成为酒鬼。”每个人都去，“好吧，当然，” right? So excuses…complaining, we can kind of call each other out. But excuses are really based on a seed of truth 那 we then take into reality and actually make real even more, right? So excuses are a little bit more difficult to suss out because we have evidence for those excuses 那 we should be cautious, 那 we should…this should…this is real, right? 所以我 think complaining, again, is easier to identify and excuses again, have 那 seed of truth 那 we have a difficult time calling ourselves out for.

所以我 mean 那’当我们开始做真正真实，真实的工作时，关于两者之间的区别，“好，等等，我’m making an excuse. And do I want 那 to continue to be my reality?”就像问自己，“Okay, so yes, my father killed my mother and killed himself. Got it. So did 那 cause a lot of pain? Yes. Did 那 cause self-doubt? Yes. Self-Hatred, all those… Yes it did. But do I want to keep believing 那?” You actually have to decide, Katie, do you want to keep believing 那 or do you want to decide something different? Do you want to decide 那 this is, like you said a 分 ute ago about, “好的，这是一个教训。这是一种祝福。感激不尽就像，天哪，这发生了，现在我可以用它来做。”

所以我 think excuses are more subtle and they’re more, you know, difficult to kind of call out. But I think 那 if we kind of embrace 那 there are times in our lives, all of our lives, 那 we are victims of our excuses, the more gentle we can be with ourselves, the more compassion we can give. And the more than we can call ourselves out and say, “你知道吗？这个借口不再对我有用。一世’m gonna shift it. I’我将致谢。一世’我要搬到不同的地方… I’我会有所不同。一世’我要越过这个”

Katie: I love 那.

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回到你的生活’我提到过几次，你’ve mentioned kind of 那 core fear and how they formed so early. And I know for me, one of those certainly was this feeling of like, I’m 不 good enough. And when I started working on 那 and trying to like go through all these steps and to really face 那, I was confronted with a few things. But one I worried 那 I was partially able to be so driven and to be so productive because of 那 and I had seen it manifest in my life. 所以我 worried 那 if 那 went away, I would like lose my edge or I’d失去完成工作的能力。

所以我 guess, two-part question, one would be, you know, is there a downside when we let go of these fears? And also, because I’ve heard this from now so many people, is there anyone of us 那 doesn’t face some form of 那 question? I kind of think like, you know, I think we have these internal questions 那 come up to us and it’s like, am I good enough? Am I lovable? Am I worthy of respect? You know, does everyone have 那 in some form?

朗达: Yup. Everybody does, even the Dalai Lama. Yep. Absolutely. And I love 那 you brought up a fear of 不 being good enough because 那’s the generalized wheel of fear. 所以，you know, we help you find your specific wheel of fear 那’对您来说是独一无二的。但是一般来说，如果我们想说一个通用的…it’s a generic version of a wheel of fear is, you know, all of us in some way or another feel some sort of feeling of 不 feeling good enough on some level, right?

然后，借助恐惧之轮，我们对它进行了个性化和个性化处理，从而使其更具动感且更像，“Oh God, yes, 那’s it,”对？是的，每个人都有…that’恐惧之轮的运作方式。它’恐惧如何在我们的神经生物学中发挥作用。记住它’s about keeping us safe. So what does 那 mean? That means 那 your fear of 不 being good enough and whatever version 那 is, personalized version, is because you are now in the unknown, right? Fear only visits us when we’重新未知。它没有’t come in when we’在沙发上吃着Doritos观看Netflix上我们最喜欢的节目，对吧？它没有’来吧。只有当我们’当我们有新想法时’当我们有新的体验时’再说，您想向前迈出一步。再说一次，可能只是一个想法。可能只是一个想法。它’不仅仅是采取行动。我们的想法吓坏了我们。

所以，you know 那 不 feeling good enough, you know, says like, “好吧，看到这是未知的。我们不’t know what to do.” And fear says, “I can’t guarantee your safety. 我可以’因为我不保证你在这里的安全’t know what’s gonna happen,” because neuroscience has shown now, Katie, 那 basically, the way we’re wired is to look at the past for a template, for our present situation, okay? So we literally automatically, unconsciously, look in the past for a solution to our present problems. And 那’这就是为什么感觉像我们’即使看起来更好，也可以重述过去，但它的名称可能有所不同，例如，’会持续两年，但是现在我们’re like, “你在跟我开玩笑吗？它’再次发生。我以为这次选了不同的东西”对？因为大脑和身体只知道如何看待’寻找已知解决问题的解决方案已经发生了。

因此，除非您有意识地醒着并意识到开始使用’s called the frontal lobe and start making a new choice, a different choice, and being able to step in the unknown, your automatic responses will always be based on the past. 所以，you know, 那 fear 不 being good enough, you’re thinking of opening 那 business or falling in love or whatever, and it goes, “Oh well, let’s do it this way.” You know, and, “Oh by the way,” it’会感到不适。所以如果你’要冒险，如果你’re gonna take a stretch, is what we call Stretch, Risk, or Die in 无所畏惧的生活, when we start taking Stretch, Risk, or Die, you know, 那 fear is going to come up because you are now in the unknown and the Wheel of Fear will be triggered anytime you’除非您有不同的过程，除非您以不同的方式查看未知物。

但最重要的是我们’重新制作以保持安全。我们的整体存在是关于安全，是关于保持我们的生命。记住，大脑不会 ’我们不知道情绪风险，情绪恐惧和身体恐惧之间的区别。因此，您正在考虑坠入爱河，或者正在考虑结婚，或者正在考虑开办企业，购买房屋或出售房屋，其中任何一种，如果不为人所知，恐惧都会触发并消失，“Yes, we don’不知道该怎么办。对于目前的问题，我们最好使用过去的解决方案，”当然，对于我们想做的许多事情，哪种方法最有可能无效。

So fear is triggered by the unknown. 所以我 always say 那 freedom equals your capacity to live in the unknown. Freedom equals your capacity to live in the unknown. 如果你’re 不 capable and 不 willing to live in the unknown, which means the control freaks out there, which so many of us are, you know, if we’re 不 willing to give up control and actually step forward into the unknown, the fear has you, fear owns you, right? Fear has you. So we all have 那 fear of 不 being good enough in whatever way it shows up for us. It’有一些独特之处。我们的整个神经生物学以及我们的方式’重新连线是寻找过去的解决方案，这很可能是无效的，因为我们’在不同的环境中，我们’在不同的年龄，我们’你知道，在不同的情况下。

And so 那’这就是为什么我们一直感觉像我们’一次又一次地重复自己，即使我们认为我们 ’re choosing differently. But we have to be willing to step out into the unknown and become masterful living in the unknown in order to actually have the freedom 那 we truly desire and truly want.

Katie: That makes sense. And I think another thing 那 is very top-of-mind for a lot of people listening right now, they probably understand and can identify these things in their own personal lives. But then when we’re facing something 那 is, you know, big or out of our control or right now like with global stuff going on, or we’面对我们的孩子生病或父母生病或这些很大的恐惧 …you know, life-threatening disease or chronic illness or things 那 are bigger than just us being able to live with the fear, what are some tips for 那? Because I think we’在一个充满大量压倒性，焦虑和恐惧的地方。所以我’d love to hear your insight on how we can work through those things 那 we can’t just change.

朗达: Yeah. So the first thing is 那 of course, we have to take care of ourselves from a real practical level. You know, we have to make sure 那 we take care of what needs to be taken care of and 不 stay in, like, “为什么这发生在我身上？” Because “为什么这发生在我身上？” is 不 helpful and it doesn’t move us forward. 所以，and why is it happening to you is because, you know, we may know and we may 不 know, right? We may 不 understand how it’发生在我们身上。但是相反’s like, “Okay, so what are the practical applications? What are the practical things 那 I need to do right now to keep myself physically safe?” because the first thing 那 we always have to do is to keep ourselves physically safe.

所以，你知道，创伤工作总是关于’感觉上没有安全感，先去身体检查，“好吧，我身体安全吗？”看看你周围。确保，“我身体安全吗？” 如果你’re physically safe, then you can start addressing the emotional fears, right? So 那’第一件事就是，就身体而言，您安全吗？您知道吗，您拥有所需的一切吗？如果你不这样做’t, great, then it’s time to problem-solve. Reach out, ask for help, which, of course, asking for help is one of the greatest gifts 那 we can give ourselves or another human being. And it’s one of the things 那 most of us don’t do.

So we have to move into a deep level of self-care, deep level of connection, deep level of seeing our own innocence, moving past all of the fears 那 we’您曾经知道需要帮助，寻求帮助或想要建立联系。就像，我们必须回到我们都有需求的基础上。我有需要，您有需要，我们每个人都有需求，我们可以照顾自己的需求，也可以照顾我们所爱的人的需求吗？对？然后我们可以进入放手’re 不 in control of?

所以我 have an exercise 那 I’ve done with many a client 那’称为Control，没有Control。我请客户拿一张纸，然后分成两列。他们控制什么，而不控制什么？然后开始列出您控制的所有事物并列出您所有的事物’re 不 in control of. And so all the things you are in control of, what can you do to actually take charge of 那? Like what are the things 那 you can do? And most of us focus on what we’不能控制，这增加了我们的焦虑感，增加了我们的压倒感，增加了我们的内，感，增加了我们等等的恐惧，等等。和我们’实际上没有注意我们实际控制的东西。所以做清单，做清单“我掌控什么，我掌控什么？”

然后，如果您知道’re a believer of God or any spirituality, the things 那 are 不 in your control, just hand them over, right? And if you don’没有一种精神哲学，那么你就投降了，从人类的角度出发，走了，“Okay, 我可以 only control A, B, C, D, E, F,”因为我向你保证’掌控权超出您的想象，“And the things 那 I’m 不 in control of, yes, 我可以 ask for help, 我可以 seek solutions, 我可以 connect in etc.” Like these times right now are asking us to learn the skills we need to have the life 那 we want, regardless of the circumstances of our lives.

所以这是要求我们在可能还没有的时候伸出援手’伸出手，寻求帮助，也许我们什么时候’ve been afraid to ask for help. Being willing to face a fear of rejection or, you know, etc., you know, caring about each other and caring about ourselves. 所以，you know, fear wants us to isolate, i.e., really like “我只会照顾自己，只有两个能保护自己。”但实际上，真正的联系方式，生存的真正方法，扩展的真正方法，实现我们命运的真正方法是彼此之间。

And so write 那 list of Control and 不 Control and start doing the things 那 you can control and be willing to…the things you can’t control, are you willing to ask for help? Are you willing to reach out? Are you willing to connect? And what are you willing to really practice letting go of 那’s 不 up to you. It’s 不 gonna ever be up to you. So what can you do? I think 那 starts giving us our power back because our power and our helplessness and our hopelessness happens because we only focus on what we’re 不 in control of.

因此，当您开始掌握，标记并拥有自己可以控制的东西时，您会开始感觉到更有力量。你开始觉得，“Okay, 我可以 make a difference here. And 那’s gonna move you out of 那 fear zone into freedom zone.”

Katie: I love 那. And I think 那 ties into something 那 is a theme through a lot of writers 那 I admire, including you and including people like Victor Frankl who wrote ”Man’s寻找意义，” and many of the stoic philosophers 那 talk about, you know, we don’不能控制世界或我们所发生的事情，但是我们始终可以控制我们的反应，我们的反应，甚至我们如何解释这些事件。

而且我每年都会重读Viktor Frankl，’总是给人很大的提醒，因为，你知道，像你一样，他’经历了比我艰难得多的事情。所以当有人经历了…我喜欢这句话，你知道，“经历了大火，出来为我们其他人运送水，” it’s just so inspiring. 所以我 think 那’s a wonderful reminder and centering place to think of is 那 we always have 那 aspect of control, to choose kindness, to choose our response, to choose gratitude and to choose positivity. And I’m guessing there’s a lot of people listening who a lot of this is resonating with them or they see parts of their lives and things 那 you’我今天说。我认识你’我还写了几本书。因此，对于刚开始对此有所了解的人，您建议他们从哪里开始？

朗达: 好, first thing 那 I would like them to do is, of course, if they’准备好并愿意阅读”Fearless Living” or get the audiobook on audible, you know, etc., start just, you know, listening over and over again to understand how your fear works. Because I think again, I think one of the greatest gifts 那 “Fearless Living” gives to the world is a release of shame. 你知道我 know when people find their Wheel of Fear and Wheel of Freedom and really understand 那 it’s 不 them 那 is doing this, you know, 不 them 那, you know, is lazy, stupid. That is 不 you. That is 不 your true nature and it’s only a fear response and you really see 那 那’只是害怕采取行动以确保您的安全。而且’s 不 about you. The shame just dissolves and melts away.

而我不 ’t know about you, Katie, but you know, shame ran my life for so many decades and 那 shame is the thing 那 kept me small, stuck, and you know, afraid. And when I could melt 那 shame away, I started having space and breathing room to start really occupying and owning my life in a more true way and real authentic way. And so, you know, so the first thing is, yes, grab my book, listen to the book.

The other thing 那 I would invite you to do is I actually…and Katie, I hope this is okay, but this is moving through me right now. 所以我 hope you’re okay with this. But I would love to gift your folks an exercise called Stretch, Risk or Die 那 I mentioned earlier. And is 那 okay if I do 那, Katie? I’m sorry, I didn’事先问你。它’s just coming through me. Is 那 all right?

凯蒂：当然。

隆达：所以去fearlessliving.org，fearlessliving.org / risk。因此，fearlessliving.org / rsk R-I-S-K和我’我会想，现在，这个关于“拉伸”，“风险”或“死亡”的小课程真的开始看到恐惧如何影响您的决策，并开始以不同的方式思考决策。那里’那里的工作表’您知道那里有三个简短的视频，您可以立即开始做运动以开始自助。我将对其进行详细描述。它’称为“拉伸”，“风险”或“死亡”。而且’允许您开始在舒适区域外移动，并开始向自由方向移动，开始向未知方向移动。再说一次，我为您提供了大量的资源，大量的模板等。因此，请转到fearlessliving.org/risk，R-I-S-K，我认为此练习将立即为您提供支持。它’s one of my clients’非常喜欢的练习，学生’，非常喜欢的练习。

所以我’d love to gift it to you right now in this time 那 we’re living in to help you start 不icing, “Okay, this is why I’m 不 taking 那 Stretch, Risk, or Die. Okay, got it.” And now you can. And 那’s the gift 那 I would love to support you with is saying yes to yourself, yes to 那 intuition, yes to your larger vision, yes to the true nature of who you are, yes to the person you were born to be. Because I do believe 那 all of us do have a destiny and fear is the only thing 那 stops 那 destiny from unfoldment. And I am committed to helping you, me, the world, live their destinies and fulfill their destinies. 所以我 don’不想再恐惧生活了。我要你一辈子。

Katie: I love 那. And I’ll make sure 那 all the links to everything we’ve talked about, including your books, and including 那, are in the show 不es at 起点生活.fm. And I think this is a perfect starting place for a lot of people and I know 那 people can find you and keep learning from you. But I appreciate your time in being here today and for all the work 那 you do for so, so many people.

朗达：谢谢，凯蒂。你是给世界的礼物。一世’非常感谢我认识你。谢谢。

凯蒂（Katie）：谢谢，并且一如既往地感谢大家，与我们今天一起倾听，分享您最宝贵的资源之一，您的时间。我们’re so grateful 那 you did and I hope 那 you will join me again on the next episode of the ”Wellness Mama” podcast.

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